However, the years are slipping by and it's slowly dawning on me that I've massively underachieved. It can be summed up quite easily by a look back at the 90s and a competition run by Dark Echo. I knocked off an entry in about an hour and a half and was quite pleased that it came 2nd. The winning story was very good - which was also pleasing! It was written by Edo van Belkom. You only have to put his name into Google to discover that Mr van Belkom went on to publish (at the last count) at least half a dozen novels. And how many have I published...?
Don't get me wrong - I've written drafts of four novels. Three of them are gathering dust. The fourth... well that had a few problems but it also had potential.
I'm not going to tell you much about the story, as I want it to be me who exploits that potential. But I realised at the end of the first draft that my protagonist needed to undergo a sex change. Worse than that, I discovered its main theme was alarmingly close to a rather controversial movement in America. I managed to get some feedback from Americans and it was clear that sticking with that central concept - expressed in those terms - would reduce my chances of publication. So I decided I needed to re-think it...
....and unfortunately I've been re-thinking it for more than 10 years!
Every year I make a start. I write a chapter then it fizzles out. Last year, around this time, I paid an editorial service to sit with me for 2 hours to brainstorm some ideas for my novel... to clarify certain points and to discuss its marketability.
Every year I look at the various courses out there. I debate signing up for face-to-face ones, distance learning ones, and masters degrees. I think I'm seeking someone to guide me through the drafting process - helping me with the plotting, keeping me on track. But courses rarely work like that. There can't be many courses that would see you all the way through 100,000 words. I've often thought that I should have a first draft written and then get feedback on it - through a course or editorial service.
This has all come to a head when I booked to attend a writing convention that offered the chance to pitch to an agent/editor. It's always a lure for wannabe writers. Luckily my car developed a few expensive problems and took all my money. I've spared the agents my garbled pitch and cancelled the booking.
So, what now? I've come to the conclusion that I need to reassess. I've asked myself if I'm going to carry on making excuses and let another 10-20 years go by. Author Juliet McKenna once told me of her own "aspiring" years and her own decision to get serious and "up her game". That has to be my choice too. It's now or never.
Even as I write this I'm starting to feel anxious. What if I don't do it? What if I don't succeed? Truth is, nobody much cares. It has to be my effort...regardless of the excuses...and so I just have a "grow a set" and make myself sit down every day.
I've sent a proposed schedule to my "ideal reader" - a long-standing friend who loves my work and will support me rather than destroy me while I write. I have other friends who expect me to send them 3000 words per month. So I'm already accountable to some....
...now, with this blog....I'm making myself accountable to you. Regardless of who you are or where you are, regardless of whether you know me or not. Regardless of whether or not you care if I succeed. I'm now making myself accountable to you.
Of course I can't prove that I'm writing (at first) as I'm not prepared to publish my work here. But, for my sins, I'm registered on www.authonomy.com and no doubt I will post my work there eventually. In the meantime I intend to post updates here....and on twitter... in the hope that the ether will keep me going.
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